Last night’s ramblings about the stereotypes in Fireman Sam I hope will now become a bit more obvious. You see I really don’t think a children’s TV programme is instilling negative stereotypes in our children and nor do I think Norman’s mum is neglecting him for the single men of Pontypandy. What I wanted was to be able to share with you the inner workings of my mind as a Spoonie!
With so much time on my hands it is vital for my own sanity that I find things to fill the hours in the day. I am probably up an average of 20 hours each day and decent TV and Netflix at a push can fill about 4 days if I’m lucky. Activities that I can do are limited especially as trying to pace to prevent total burnout and collapse means anything I do has to be split realistically into 15 minute bursts. Even holding conversations, playing board/card games and crosswords and Suduko all take their toll. Heck even writing the blog takes over two hours with pacing and not being able to sit and type for any length of time.
Having this much time each day that you are unable to put to some positive use because you are too tired and have a handful of spoons left to last throughout things like hospital appointments and eating tea means I for one over think and over complicate things. It is this that leads me down the garden path to the guilt lawn mower or to the burden hot tub. I am aware through some of my mindfulness programmes that I need to be more positive in my outlook and less harsh on myself, I know this but it doesn’t make things easier.
I also know that having this much time means I see insults and slurs where there was none. Flippant comments become like a red rag to a bull and arguments can start from just asking me if I want a cup of coffee. They come out of my own levels of pain, my own frustrations and limitations and as a side effect of some of my meds. Fireman Sam was one such episode. Elvis Cridlington fell and injured his leg and was in a wheelchair my LG instantly went “Daddy Elvis is like you in a wheelchair” (not a phrase you expect to hear every day). This made me realise that it was the first time that our LG had mentioned this and therefore disabled people were massively underrepresented in Fireman Sam (our LG is always pointing out people on sticks, chairs and scooters and saying they are just like you daddy with a huge smile on her face).
This was my rag and the Taurean in me saw red! Yes over something so silly. This one observation led me to question every minute detail of the program, not only did I question everything I googled names and stuff to reinforce my theories. Yes you read that right I googled it, why? I have no explanation other than my mind was racing, my pain was raging and I wanted, no needed to get angry about something (sometimes weirdly it helps me to calm down and put day to day life in to perspective). Getting wound up about stupid things is for me one way I limit the flare ups and annoyance with friends and family. I know sounds bizarre but it is true. I mean Fireman Sam couldn’t answer me back and/or call me a prick! Having done this it seemed a good thing to blog yesterday, I needed to leave it until today to be able to put it in context and to really laugh and share it with you. After my rant over Sam I was exhausted and had an afternoon doze followed by some relaxation in the hot tub.
The mind can do funny things to you, don’t use it enough and you can become depressed, use it too much and you can become depressed. Don’t use it at all and you are guaranteed to get trapped in a downward spiral. Prior to my RTA and subsequent pain I was so laid back I was largely horizontal, and whilst this can still be said to be true for some of the time I am acutely aware that my temper is closer to the surface and that little things tip me over the edge. I would love for this to not be the case but the constant pain, the endless side effects and the boredom lead down rollercoasters I cannot get off, so once on sit back, enjoy the ride and try to channel the aggression and annoyance so that it doesn’t hurt others. If you can turn it into a positive even better. Some of my best letters to the council over issues impacting on me as a disabled person have come from these rants, although I do wait and have things checked by my wife before sending them.