The lion weeps tonight…………………

I’ve neglected my blog over the last couple of days because my wife has been off work and we have been making the most of the weather and going out and about. It is quite difficult for me to just up and go out on a good day (I’m being economical with the truth here), it is virtually impossible for me to get up and go when I’m on mine own. So when my wife is at home we try and cram as much stuff in as is physically possible.

I know this goes completely against the pacing, part of my pain management jigsaw but without these trips out, and visits to see family and friends the pain is so overwhelmingly depressing that you could give up and become a recluse. I say this because when I go out I take a wealth of aids with me which I need help with getting in and out of the car, the man cave or the house. My long suffering wife at 5″ 2 and less than half my body weight is usually the one who helps with all this.

The past few days have been filled as follows;

Wednesday

  1. A few card games (Top Trumps and Uno) at home in the morning
  2. Lunch at an American style diner 5 miles down the road from my house
  3. A trip to the park and then a walk, well wheel thanks to a great friend around my hometown and into the local abbey
  4. Collapsing in the hot tub in the evening

Thursday

  1. A trip to see Granny (about an hours journey)
  2. Out to lunch at Jimmy’s farm (5 mins from her house) as a couple of wheelchair warriors
  3. Journey home
  4. Collapse in hot tub

Today

  1.  A trip to see our friends who are camping locally (35 mins in the car)
  2. Picnic lunch (sat on my suspension seat on my mobility scooter)
  3. Trip around the site visiting the park and woodland (on my scooter)
  4. Afternoon tea and a stretch and short walk as the kids played mini golf.
  5. Tea at a pub on the way home

Now I get told off for comparing myself now to what I was like before my car accident but the reality is that the three days outlined above wouldn’t be tiring if it wasn’t for my pain. The bulk of my days have been spent sitting in a wheelchair or on my scooter interspersed with short periods of stretching and walking whilst consuming what feels like my own body weight in medication. Thank goodness for digital camera’s so I can look back and reflect upon the day with the photo’s that we talk. By the time we sat down for dinner at the pub my fuse was about 1mm in length, my pain was scoring 12 out of 10 and the whole time we were out I was feeling guilty and like I was ruining other peoples meal! We left promptly and got home where I once again collapsed weeping in a heap. My long suffering wife emptied the car (including the very heavy battery for my scooter) got our LG out of the car and ready for bed, filled the dishwasher, made us drinks and all without a moan or a groan unlike the noises coming from me. Exhausted we crawled into bed a little after 10. Within minutes my wife is fast asleep and I’m laying there oooing and aaahing with every spasm, twitch and small movement. As I lay watching the minutes tick by I concede defeat and come in to the lounge to write this, my last desperate attempt at some light relief and hopefully some sleep. 730 words and three hours later (oh yes everything takes a loooooong time when you are a spoonie) this is finished.

Have I enjoyed going out, hell yes, am I going to pay for it the rest of the weekend, hell yes, do we have any plans for the next few days hell no! Life is always a balancing act between what we want to do and what we can actually do and that is the same whether you are a spoonie or not, I guess it is just the constraints that are different. I just wish at times like this when sat moping in the middle of the night and the house sleeps that for once I could do something unrestricted by pain.

Next stop, the mindfulness train……………………… Oh the joys.

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