Using spoons beating myself

I’ve been quiet on here for my longest period since first learning/starting to blog, and frustratingly it’s been a period where I’ve really needed to as I’ve been in so much pain I’ve been climbing the walls! Now this is a funny metaphor to use for two reasons, firstly the pain has been so debilitating that climbing out of bed has been a positive let alone anything else. Secondly because having been at a sports centre in my wheelchair on Wednesday lunchtime a climbing instructor asked me how I find the facilities and if I’d ever thought of climbing. I laughed this off and remarked that I wouldn’t have the upper body strength, and that I couldn’t comment on the facilities as I was there for my LG to do gymnastics, whilst my wife laughed and told me she was hitting on me. Now I don’t believe the latter probably because I still feel that my chair is like a huge ugly scar (but that’s one digression too far and another part of my journey that I will cover/get too as I continue on my ride). There you go a strange metaphor but the one I picked. Also the one………………lost my train of thought here in between pacing to type this.

Following the waffling and rambling above and in addition to the usual pain I have, I have been in incredible pain in what feels like a muscle tear in my back (not that I can pinpoint where it could have happened I’m hardly Mr Active) and sitting, standing, laying and walking has been agony. I tried to carry on regardless or in denial or whatever but the last couple of days it has really gotten the better of me. Not even the plethora of meds I have already are touching it and the last couple of days have been spent in the hot tub, and with freeze gel being applied and not much else. My wife bless her has had to do everything all weekend as I have not been able to do anything. This along without being able to vent has meant I have been using up all my spoons just getting up, showered and dressed and then beating (hope you got it beating/spoons) myself up over all the things that I can’t do, including blog. As it is these 400 words have all been typed single-handedly and over four hours! Even still as I finish I’m not sure I should post it?

Anyway all things considered and with the extra pain I’m currently experiencing to have explained why I have been quiet on here and publishing it, yes I am going to publish it, I’m hoping it is one less thing I can beat myself up over, over the next few days. I will be back on form soon, and hopefully with two functioning arms 😦

Anyway I’ve waffled and rambled enough, and tomorrow will probably hope that there is a delete function on the blog when I read this back. This is however the reality of living with a spoonie. The agitation, the self deprication, the nonsensical reasoning, the vagueness and loss of train of thought. The plus side though is that a spoonie can see the beauty in the simple things in life. The sunrise you see because you cannot sleep, the rainbows, birdsong at 3 am………………………………..

Oh and one last thing, because I have been a touch negative, reflecting back to the beginning and my waffling around my metaphorical speaking, whatever that climbing instructor was thinking I have realised two things 1) she didn’t see my chair as a barrier to doing something extraordinary like rock climbing (trouble is my back really has made both my upper and lower body too weak to try this) and 2) she didn’t make any judgement on my ability and merely made the assumption that I was there to do some form of exercise, and was not afraid to ask me how I found the facilities. Not many people I have encountered in my chair have been that…………….. (I can’t find the right word, but nonplussed, unphased, non-judgemental and nonchalant just don’t quite fit but please offer your own words in the comments), nonetheless she did inspire in me a desire to try new things and not to discount anything without first investigating the possibilities. I mean if a climbing instructor doesn’t see a wheelchair as a barrier to climbing a wall why the hell should I as the person sat in it. I don’t think I’ve explained the impact of her conversation with me as well as I should have, that maybe is for a more lucid time. Wow I’ve now waffled for an entire evening and these wafflings should probably be in a number of different blogs but that is the haze of my mind…………………….

5 thoughts on “Using spoons beating myself

  1. Seems like waffling and rambling the same thing , and one goes where ones thought takes one , or for as long as you can before a spasm or gripping pain sets in , but it doesn’t matter because the words are out they are down there, and the order does not matter either , for its better go get the ords out , then have them bottling up inside, untill the whole lot explodes into emotional overload , take care , be strong and keep blogging my friend ,

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  2. How about ‘positive’ for the climbing instructor? It’s not really surprising that she wouldn’t see your chair as a barrier, given that she may well have training in disabled sport…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Waffle or not, it’s good to hear you put thoughts and experiences out here. These are all part of the sharing, journey and understanding that we are all undergoing with you.

    One of your comments reminds me very much of something I wrote, where I can’t remember now – basically it was a little like this:

    These invisible wounds, that run so deep
    They still hurt the most
    They still cut, and bleed
    For in our being, they live and breathe
    Deftly dodging reasons touch
    In dark corners, breed
    Broken thoughts, so unkind
    But should not torture, in their untruth
    Our mind so oft, or rule our lives.

    I’m paraphrasing with the above, so excuse it’s meter. I originally wrote it about my own mental state but without wanting to make assumptions, feel that it has some relevance.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s all rather deep on a Monday morning bro, but yes I know what you mean and how it fits both very well. It’s a great piece of prose and I’m glad you shared it xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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