Having written yesterday’s blog I have been overwhelmed with the responses from people. I really did umm and aaarrgh about posting it and have been constructing it for weeks. There was no good way of summing up what a real pain in the arse (if you’ll pardon the crack) living with chronic pain is. You cannot sugar coat it, you can not make it sound less painful or less of grind than what it actually is, I needed to say it and I certainly wasn’t looking for pity, there are so many others worse off than me in the world. You just need to look at the refugees risking their lives attempting to flee Libya for proof of that.
Whatever the reason for me finally having the courage to post it, I really will never know the meds and the mind merge so that I can’t always explain why I did/do what I do. I do know however that my body gave up at 5pm last night. I literally have next to no recollection of anything from then until about midday today. It was as if my body decided enough was enough and shut itself down. I fell asleep on my bed sometime after taking some meds, only vaguely recall saying goodnight to my LG when she came through to say goodnight to me and some time later woke to vomit what seemed my entire bodyweight. I returned to bed took more meds and remember nothing until around 6am. More sleep than I have managed in all of June. Shortly after getting up I zonked again and remember a conversation about my wife taking our LG to the library and something about lunch. Finally I ate at some toast at around 1pm and have slowly been regaining my wits. I’ve been wondering if this was some perverse Karma way of my body showing me no matter how hard I try it will find a way of controlling me and making me feel weak. If it was it worked and I still feel weak now (but then vomiting takes muscles in my back that have been in spasma nd decline for years so it is hardly surprising).
I know and fully understand everyone has things to deal with in their lives that are difficult and that take a lot of courage to overcome and I am proud of my family and friends who have done or are doing this now. I’ve spent years denying just how painful life is for me, scared of the reaction I would get, scared of being seen as the one preventing others from enjoying themselves, and scared of what it would mean for me if I did say it out load. Would I lose friends and loved ones, would people stop inviting me out, would my wife love me less and a million and one other questions that run through me at some point or another as I try to get sleep in the wee small hours!
Then I started to read the comments that so many people left on my Facebook post and here and I was overwhelmed by them, by people understanding why I had needed to write it, and far from lambasting me actually reading it and receiving it in the nature that it was intended. So maybe it wasn’t some sort of karma, and instead it was the relief of this weight I’ve been carrying coupled with the severe lack of sleep that caused my body to crash. It was my body saying enough is enough, you’ve done it now, people have read it and you need time to sleep and not remove it! My body recognising the weight that had been lifted and saying you know what the future begins tomorrow.
Truth is I don’t know whether it was karma, a collapse or a 12 hour bug, what I do know is that so many of you have given me a renewed strength and desire to carry on fighting, to push the boundaries of what I can do and test the limits placed on me. We all have a life plan and I guess rarely if ever does it go according to plan, what I do know is that I never asked for this pain, and I certainly wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but I have it, I must learn to live with it, I must learn to accept how it has changed me and above all else I must learn to accept that it does not define me. I also hope that it has helped just one person living in pain to know that they are not alone!