………………………………………….it’s just a different kind of wellbeing to when I’d be running 6 miles at 6am, working and working out throughout the day and doing the same in the evening.
I thought I was firmly aboard the pity train, pulling out of grumpy old gits Kent road, calling in at Useless Road, Pill Mall, Old pain Street, the Strain, Wish I could Pick-a-dilly Road, Awful Street, May say I feel Fair and not passing Go and collecting £200 (that’s been cut), but instead heading straight to the knackers yard. Then I blogged, and I blogged the truth. It was scary, and I had to really fight and resist deleting what I had written.
What I’ve realised is firstly that my pun way around the Monopoly board (traditional version obviously) is not that funny but it amused me. Secondly that I have some amazing people who have graced my life over a number of years and that although we’re not still in contact as much, or as often, or any way other than social media but we really have a solid friendship. I’m not going to run on about peoples comments but it is safe to say that they have been lovely if somewhat embarrassing. What I particularly love is the fact that so many of you are sharing this with others who you feel may read it and that it may help them along their own journey. I hope it does as it is helping me,
I have today felt a bit more with it again even if sleep evaded me until 4am and certainly in myself I hell of a lot happier (it’s part of the rollercoaster of emotions, pain and feelings that chronic pain and I guess all life goes through), it has in no small part been a result of all the positive comments received but especially comments from two of my oldest friends, who along with another person educated me as a wee 16 year old on my Tuesday night shifts at the leisure centre (the same one I’m now embarrassed to go swimming in because of my size) on the ways and the workings of the world. Two of these people read my blog on my pain and although having not seen me in person for years left the following comments on my Facebook page and helped kickstart the end of my pity train. You see I have great support from family around me, and a fantastic support group of fellow chronic pain sufferers who I can talk to usually when a few of us are wide awake in the wee small hours, but only a handful of friends who knew the pre accident super fit Seachy and the post accident super fat Seachy and certainly none who I had ever been truly honest about the pain with.
The first comment was shared with this person’s Dad and I know some of what I have written really struck a chord with him
Hi Seachy, I am not going to like, but I am going to share your blog. I think its really good and brave of you to share. I think its important to share the good and bad times so people can be there to support you and get a greater understanding of people who live with constant pain. There are so many people who are rendered disabled because of one reason or another and not enough people speak out about it honestly, especially the bad side of it. If I still lived in Naaaarich, I would pop over for a cuppa and a catch up. Please don’t delete it – its important and you are one awesome bloke.
I didn’t feel brave or awesome when typing my blog out, instead I felt like a whining, moaning, embarrassed, miserable old git – funnily enough I’m the only one who has thought this so far. I look forward to work or family bringing you back this way for a cuppa one day L!
The second comment was
I really hope your writing helps, you have a real talent for it. I’m going to send the link for your blog to our friend, #@*, he was injured in a motorbike crash. I think he’d find it a very interesting read & may get in touch. Please try to overcome the feeling of being ‘ashamed physically’ – when you were super fit you put your body through those challenges for ‘fun’, look at how strong your body & mind are now to be overcoming the hurdles you face every day, you’re a stronger person now.x
It’s funny but back in the day I really did take my body and my health for granted. I worked and worked out hard and partied probably harder than I should. I felt invincible and really did challenge myself to 1000m sprints on rowing machines, and maxing out powerjog machines just for fun. I’ve been looking at my disability all wrong and seeing how weak it made me and not as S pointed out how strong.
I write this as I’m sat here in my positive frame of mind and spaced out on more meds than I can name right now. Just as I know there will be times in the future that I hate my pain and my body as the rollercoaster ride continues, I also know there will be days that I look back on these last few blogs with pride and hopefully as a pivotal moment in becoming me again!