…………laying/sitting here it is like my body has done a timeshift. 20 years ago I was finishing my A-Levels and about this time on a Sunday morning was walking/taxiing home after a night at the waterfront thinking how will I survive the morning shift at the leisure centre tomorrow followed by two birthday parties in the afternoon. Oh that’s right 20 years ago I had no idea what a hangover was the exuberance of youth and a well hydrated body had protected me from this.
Fast forward two decades and it is all change, our lad has been to the waterfront with his mates and is probably wondering how he will survive tomorrow at his work (he really hasn’t learnt the tricks of avoiding the hangover, I think he needs further guidance here), whereas I am laying here wondering how I will survive the night. Instead of going out clubbing last night I took my mobility scooter out yesterday daytime for a trip to BeWILDerwood a local adventure park for kids/adults. Whilst my wife, LG, our friends and their LG played on the various climbing frames, high rope swings, slides etc I was fulfilling my now usual role of cameraman and packhorse. Don’t take pity, that’s not what I’m after and if you see any photos of the day you will see big smiles on all our faces. Yes it is true children really do change your priorities in life, and today (well yesterday) has (was) been a good day.
During the day we laughed lots, over a mid morning snack my LG gave me a big hug and whilst we were talking to our friends about my latest medicine change she very sweetly said that if it works hopefully daddy will be able to play with her a bit more, beautiful and heart-wrenching all in one sentence. For 2 and a half she is very astute and in tune with all things relating to my back, pain and disability. She understands I have to say no where others say yes, and why my role when we go out largely is cameraman, this doesn’t stop me beating myself up about it at times, but it does make it easier when she says things like that, as she accepts things that I don’t so easily. We could all learn a lot from the beautiful, pure minds of children.
Having been out for the day we met my parents, brother, sister-in-law and nieces for a Chinese on the way home for my mum’s birthday. A lovely self-service all you can eat where not only was my wife waiting on our LG but also carrying my platefuls too (if you know me that really is platefuls, hey everyone is allowed a cheat day). A few years ago I would have stubbornly struggled with one stick, spilt lots and annoyed myself, thanks to a number of factors I now accept the help I need more freely.
In the grand scheme of things not a massively exhausting day on face value. Why therefore have I been awake for the past two hours (having fallen asleep for 3 hours) unable to get comfortable, with shooting pains in my body, itching all over that is driving me insane and my legs, well they feel heavy like I’ve run a marathon, tingly like the onset of pins and needles and just ache. Every fibre of my body is telling me to stop and to give in, but I won’t it is not my nature, I’m a stubborn bull aren’t all Taureans, to quote Elsa “test the limits and breakthrough, no right, no wrong no rules for me I’m free.” My Saturday’s now start earlier in the day, the hangovers I avoided as a young un’ have been replaced with sleepless nights and there has definitely been a time shift.
Why do I put myself through the day before, well it was summed up simply by one of my support group who is also up and online this morning evading sleep, quite simply she said “I know we have to live our lives, or else what is it about, people say to me why do you do it, but what is the alternative, sit in a chair and rock (even that hurts lol). You can not stop your life, so we live with it, day in, day out, but we are alive and we can, so guess we are luckier than some” so much truth in such a short phrase.
Life is for living and I wouldn’t change what we did yesterday, I have some lovely photos to remind me of the day and I can still see the smile on my LG’s face as she kissed me and said “Thank you for bringing me here daddy” just before she went whizzing down the zip wire for the umpteenth time. So here’s hoping for a few more hours kip before she wakes me up, that fellow pain sufferers around the globe get a few more hours rest and most importantly that we all remember life is for living, for making the best of your situation. We are all responsible for our own happiness and spoonies really do have to juggle all aspects of living and in that huge undertaking we can at times wallow, feel like why me, life isn’t fair – well the truth is for millions of people everyday life isn’t fair, embrace the one you have, it is the only one you will have and everyday try and create a few memories that will have you looking back on and smiling at. Sounds so easy when I write this advice down for you all, just don’t expect me to always take my own advice, did you not read this I’m a stubborn Taurean……………………….