…………………………………………so the pig headedness that I have always had meant last night instead of doing nothing I went to watch the fireworks that Heart FM set off each Wednesday in Great Yarmouth. Once again of course I was in my mobility scooter and we got there early to have some tea and a bit of fun on the arcades and pleasure beach.
Trying to lose weight as I look worse than ever I had roast for tea instead of fish and chips and I resisted the urge for dessert (although being cold and zapped of energy I did gobble down some donuts at about half 10). We cruised the 2p machines and I have to say the amusements were very accessible and most of the machines were at a good height to put the 2p’s in. My LG was very happy as I was able to help her get some Toy Story wallets and Dinosaur bits out of the machines.
We went along the seafront and I had certainly had my maximum dose of meds for the day. I was being silly pretending to be Andy from little britain cruising along saying “I wanna hot dog” and “I want that one and also was getting jealous of all the bigger and better scooters I was seeing. I even got dissed by one very elderly lady, all of which made me and our friends laugh. The laughter certainly helped my mood and our friends took some silly photo’s of me.
We made our way to the pleasure beach and I got a bit down when we were there. I have always been a thrill seeker and love all the extreme rides but the forces they put through my body now make them impossible to go on. Much as I would love to, and this is a real shame as my LG even at 2 and a half loves the rides and would happily go on the extreme ones. I was silly and went on the tea cups with her it was liberating but I immediately regretted it. Our friends who we went with were great and took her on some other rides but I was really angry with myself for not being able to do more. I’m not sure if this change in meds is making me more angry, or whether it is because I am tired and done too much.
Today my sister and brother in law came over for lunch and I have taken so much medication that I have struggled to maintain a conversation with them. Truth be told after lunch I was struggling to even stay awake. I plonked myself in front of this in an attempt to maintain concentration and my involvement in the conversation but the fact that my wife and LG has now taken them home for afternoon coffee tells me I have failed miserably, I hope they understand that I was not being rude, more that I am just so dead my body is going into shut down I have fallen over 3 times, tripped and stumbled good knows how many times and am very very miserable and angry. Once this has been posted I will slump into the hottub and attempt to keep my eyes open until someone gets home. I am glad that we have very little planned that involves travelling the next few days and just visitors, I just worry that like today the rest of our visitors will find me rude and not understand.
I have to say though, my sister in law was very sweet as they were leaving and came back and said we are family ask for help. I have never felt like they have truly understood the pain and difficulties that I have, but it has to be said they were very kind today and have offered to help with bits about the home I cannot do (my brother in law is retired) but the stubborn streak in me just replies with the normal “I don’t want to be a burden or a pain”.
I hope the mood swings aren’t med related and I hope I get back to my “normal” self and mood soon, but instead I just feel like a moody, ungrateful shit! The smiles seem so phony knowing how I am really feeling inside and how much my pain is going through the roof. I’m not a pleasant person to be around and I don’t blame everyone for going out and leaving me at home, if I was them I would.
😦 😦 😦
Time to get off the pity bus and in the hot tub………………………..