The self conscious body……..

……………………..I’ve been toying blogging about this for a loong time and each time I start I bottle it. I bottle it because I don’t know that I want to hear the truth. You see I hate my post accident body, I am bigger than I want me to be and the inability to exercise and the cravings I get from my meds mean that I am struggling to stop from becoming even bigger. It is an everyday battle I go through. If I find my body unattractive how long will it be before others I love do too………………

I used to be able to to look in the mirror and like the reflection I saw looking back at me, now I hate the reflection and all that it means. The being too big to shop in certain stores, and the stores knowing it so they don’t even bother asking if I want any help because they know they cannot help me. Even the ribbing I get from mates over the years about my size has started to ironically wear a bit thin. You see if it was just me and I was happy with the size, had a degree of fitness etc it wouldn’t bother me, it bothers me now because at 5.00am this morning instead of pulling on my running shoes and taking in the fresh air I was pulling on my bed support to be able to get up and sit, put my dressing gown on and painfully walk through to the lounge. I’m not able to play a bit of football, or swim far etc etc so I then become a keyboard warrior, completing ridiculous surveys for money off vouchers. I write my daily positives and yes they are positives but they also hide so much of the other stuff. It is easier being sat at my laptop than laying in bed as I feel like who wants to lay next to me. Now you know why I keep putting off writing it! If I don’t like my body why should others.

I don’t/can’t/won’t write anymore for fear and loathing in Las Vegas…………… seriously for fear of outpouring so much stuff, a lot of which I should probably talk to others about, but that won’t happen and putting it out on here will probably end up causing more trouble. Enough ramblings, time for some breakfast, healthy of course :-/

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