…………………………………………Couldn’t even think of a title for this that’s how much my get up has gone. As the summer (cough cough) ends and autumn begins I couldn’t feel much more bleurgh.
##########ALERT#######WARNING########MOANING###########STOP READING###########IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ IT##########
I can’t put a finger on the reason for it, in fact I can’t place a finger anywhere with out a spike in pain. It has been so long since I remember what it felt like to wake up and f eel ready for the day, it’s been over a third of my lifetime since my accident and with the current mood and feeling, quite frankly I’m fu@ked off with feeling like it.
I’ve had more scans, tests, alternative medicines, and injections than all of Hellesdon and I’ve done more drugs (prescribed) than Keith Richards and Ozzy Osborne combined, just without the fun lifestyle. So here I sit no closer to a reduction in pain, and increasing frustration.
I have a lovely family, amazing friends and so much to be happy for, yet constant pain can suck all that out of you. Every fun thing, or good time, or day out has a cost, and that cost is physically draining and mentally torturous. I want to do something on a whim, without planning whether I need my chair, my scooter, a special route, extra meds, etc etc etc.
It’s hard to be romantic and spontaneous when you never know how you’ll feel hour to hour let alone days or weeks in advance. I’m at my heaviest I’ve been ever and feel the least attractive and have the lowest confidence in who I am ever (and for my close friends and school buddies I know this is incredibly hard to believe). If I can’t be the husband I want to be, the dad/daddy I’ve always dreamed I’d be and do the job I finally found that I love what the hell do I do, can I do and is the purpose of me?
I know lots of you will say but you do this, you do that, you help like this, your wife loves you etc, but that I’m afraid counts for sh!t when my body and mind is feeling like this. Not even American Pie the Wedding has changed my mood, positively or negatively. I’m exhausted all the time yet can’t sleep, I want to get fit yet can’t exercise, I want to smile and really mean it yet do it without all the pain. I’ve now spent so much of my life living in pain that I’ve forgotten what it is like to be pain free.
You fight so long that some days appearances slip, and whilst I promised to share the good, it wouldn’t be a true reflection of pain if I kept hiding the bad! I’d like to experience just one pain free day, hell not even that one pain free activity would do and whilst I know that’s very unlikely ever to happen, I’d just like to get back some of me. In some small way be the Seachy of old, in some small way feel like I do more at home, in some small way feel useful (and not pity I don’t want pity or telling I do this and that, I want to feel it myself), I want to actually see the tangible positive results of something I have done and not something wishy washy.
It’s coming up close to a year since I last went in to my latest setback and I’ve tried everything thrown at me, and still I’m no closer to shifting even a fraction of the pain. Day’s out are remembered through photo’s, positives and blogs. Impressions of doing ok are so etched into my face because I know there are so many other people in the world who have it worse than me that I shouldn’t be moaning. I’m afraid, I’m worried, I’m not pleasant to be around and I’m angry at some bloke whose name I can’t even fecking remember now for putting me in this position. The accident was so many years ago now his NCB will be back, his insurance unaffected, not even disclosed and he sure as hell won’t remember my name.
I just want some hope back, some flicker of light that maybe one day or one hour I can be spontaneous and not regret it, I know I can’t and so instead I overthink and self fulfill some of these feelings but that is life.
I always try to be optimistic but just for this blog at least, I’m being pessimistic, if nothing else today as it is 3 am now and after all a change is only as good as a rest, tomorrow is another day and all that bollocks!!