………………………Today was a beautiful autumnal day, with lovely warm sun, fantastic colours on the trees and leaves, hot air balloons going over the roof tops. An all round lovely fresh day.
Perfect for making the most of and going out exploring locally or further afield. The opportunities are endless in Norfolk with beautiful walks near enough on your doorstep or along the coast. So I sprung up from my sleep at 5.15am, well when I say sprung up I spasmed and after that I drifted in and out of consciousness until around half 6 when my LG joined me. We watched some cartoons and I made sure she left my wife to sleep in as she is up at 6.30am weekdays for work.
As our son and his GF left for work our LG woke up mummy. We had morning teas, coffees and milkshakes and some toast, and for me it was washed down with Pregabalin, Methadone and Diazepam. I missed a knock on the door yesterday for a parcel (didn’t hear it, or didn’t get to door quick enough, can’t remember which) so the plan was to make the most of the dry weather, get the scooter out (by the way I need some people to volunteer to PIMP my Mobility Scooter) take a stroll into town for a spot of lunch, collect the parcel and swingby the one accessible park I can get to and should use according to the town clerk.
Well by the time we’d had breakfast and showered and shaved my head it was getting on for lunchtime and my wife could tell I really was suffering have been out the evening before. We pottered about in the garden a bit and did some tidying and it soon was too late to head in for lunch so we had it at home. I say we, it was my LG and my wife as I was feeling achey, sore head and the pain was making me feel ill. In no time what so ever it was 2 o’clock and the parcel couldn’t be collected.
Eventually my wife said, come on you need to make a decision about whether you are going to make it out today, especially as we’re meeting friends for breakfast at a local diner tomorrow. You see this is where it becomes tricky, I don’t want to miss out on going out with my family but paths really are not that smooth, dropped kerbs are not really dropped (trust me when you’re in pain you feel every wobble, bobble, dip and bump). My LG having seen photo’s of her cousins coming home from school on their scooters during the week had decided that she wanted to take hers out having been practicing it in the the garden. So there’s the ultimate spoonie dilemma, do I give up some spoons and watch a first as my LG scoots to the park or do I give myself longer to recover (which is the sensible option) to enable me to enjoy breakfast in a little less pain tomorrow.
Life is full of little choices like this and as best as you can you avoid making the decisions or hope that someone else makes the decision for you. Trouble is they know that if they do make the decision for you it is bound to be wrong and will result in you giving them a mouthful. Anyway of went my wife and LG and I stayed at home resting, relaxing and taking medication regularly.
It is this part of chronic pain and a damaged spine that I hate so much, picking and choosing, and to somewhat being dictated too as to what you can and can’t do, how often you can do it, and with how much function, pain and how much you will be remembering it at the end of the day, coupled with how long you are going to pay for it and how long it is going to take to recover to write about it. It can make me like a bear with a sore head. Missing out on firsts and family things, being the one that is at times in so much pain he’s not even sure where he is let alone really able to focus and enjoy the days if I do go. There is no right or wrong answer, and whatever I do causes pain so I have to pick and choose the days I’m going to suffer more. These decisions, these mood swings, angers and frustrations over something so simple as an afternoon stroll.
I’ve desperately tried to give my wife a rest today by trying to get our LG to read books or play games with me but all she’s wanted is to play with her figures on the floor, 15 minutes down there and I spend the next 15 minutes getting up again and the next two hours recovering. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy and it pains me to see some of my nearest and dearest in similar situations. I know you have to make the most of the life that you get as you only get one and I try as best as possible, somethings just are not obtainable and I have to pick my battles, choose carefully what I say yes to, to balance the fun along with the consequences and the number of days suffering increased pain afterwards.