I feel I have been neglecting actual blogging, but my life of late has been filled with so many appointments of one sort or another that I have been too tired to give much thought into writing. I had a couple of breakthroughs last week but with every high there always comes a low. I’m not really sure what triggers the lows or why they come, or even why I feel guilty for not blogging more, I do however know I am exhausted after holding conversations for more than 10 minutes, that my pain restricts me from doing so much that I want to do for family and friends to help them or at home, and that I am/was a very caring person who always wants/ed to help others succeed at the expense of all else. Where is this waffling going you may ask when it is a positive well it is simply this.
Whilst traveling home from a friends today a huge branch/tree was blocking one lane of a busy dual carriageway and was an accident waiting to happen. Having been unsuccessful in trying to contact Police on their non emergency number we stopped off at the Police HQ to report it. I could have gone home safe in the knowledge that I had avoided any sort of accident. I could have assumed some other person would report it, I could have said well I tried. Instead I made myself walk further and increase my pain to make sure others were ok, and the obstruction was going to be me moved.
A weird positive you may think, but it is a choice many people make in a heartbeat without having to conisider the pain and effect it will have on them, and yet still many would not have made the decision that I did. Why do I do it, why do I beat myself up for all the things I don’t/can’t do, why do I feel guilty about my failings/short comings, why do I feel guilty about my disability. Why is all this going on inside me when I know deep down I am a good person, who loves his family and friends.