Time drifts by so slowly………………………

……………….when you live with pain/illness so that for me the days and weeks all merge into one long blur. I use electronic alarms on my phone and reminders from and family to remind me about the various appointments I’ve got coming up and to ensure I do not take too much medication in a day. Every day is the same really and I guess that is why things go along in a blur.

The issue I have though is that I have lost the ability to think clearly and make decisions in my own right as I can never remember what I’m meant to be doing when and with who, and I worry too much about making the wrong choice or unintentionally upsetting or offending people.

I am lucky that I have a lot of people in my life who want to help and come and see me but that ends up making me feel guilty, because with all my appointments I have at the moment I am so drained that thinking about getting out and about with others is beyond me. There are at least two people who I have spoken about sending some dates to catch up and I still haven’t and it’s not because I don’t want to see them I’ve really been looking forward to it, but more because of all of the other things that contribute towards he type of week I have means that desipte to the outside world it appears I do nothing 7 days week the relity is 1 appointment can wipe me out not just the day of the appointment but for a whole week. I have to keep a clear day or two before appointments and then afterwards and there blurs by another week.

It’s funny, some people say how lucky it is not to be at work, I would tell them that they are the lucky ones, being at home pain free and having the world at your feet is an entirely diffrenet concept to being at home and unable to move to make yourself a drink whenever you want etc etc. I know my friends are understanding aand will patiently await for me to give them some dates but I feel guilty and angry at myself for not being able to srot thing out withem sooner and sometimes with s bit of spontaneity thrown into the mix.

This month is filling quickly with three hospital related appointments already booked so those I said I would see last month it is more likely to be the end of this, I haven’t forgotten, I don’t not want to meet up and certainly aren’t intentionally ignoring your meassages I’m just drained with so many other appointments that there is not time to arrange it and safely go out on my own, I forget where I’m going and why and become a danger to myself.

Those fo you who I haven’t managed to catch up please do keep contact and keep reminding me about meeting up please x

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