………..well in my head it did at least. I blogged earlier in the week about my latest methadone increase and today it caused a spoon crash of rude proportions. I have been trying to have my LG a few more hours each day as my folks are helping my brother with their children as they fight against the clock to get in to their new home before tenancies run out, but this has been impacting dramatically on my pain and functioning. I do not mind as my folks help us loads so giving them a bit of respite if you can call it that has been the least I could do. Each day I have been waking with less and less spoons and today was no different, especially as my LG decided 6am was a good time to wake me up.
We were visiting our Gran today (a 43mile car journey) but she is 91 next week and has been in and out of hospital for the last few months. We know how much she looks forward to our visits and we can only get to see her every 4-6 weeks as it is. Anyone and we probably would have cancelled today but that determination/stubborn battle kicked. We do not know how many more visits we will get so time is as precious if not more so to her than it is me. We got ready at a leisurely pace and were on the road for about half 9, now having a 3 year old is handy here as playing games, and finding songs and singing along help me to break up the pain and monotony of a car journey.
We arrived at Grans and she was over the moon to see us as she always is, having arrived I played with our LG for a bit whilst recovering from the car journey and took some meds, then we put together a shopping list of bits Gran needed and we popped out to get them along with lunch of fish and chips. It was only a few bits she needed so we went to a local Tesco Express and I used my wheelchair as any sort of walking was beyond me. This was fine until we went to the fish and chip shop where I was stranded outside as the rain started as there was about a 6 inch step to get in. We had lunch and it was so hot in Grans and this coupled with a full stomach, the heat of Gran’s flat and my afternoon meds felt I could feel a crash was coming. My wife was washing up and I said to Gran I could fall asleep. She said well take 40 winks then.
I tried stopping this from happening but I couldn’t and I found myself drifting in and out of sleep. The trouble is it is not a proper recharging sleep more like a partial blackout where I am aware of things going on around me, I can answer some interactions and questions like when my LG said she was going to make me jump and shouted boo yah at me like I do to her, and I jumped and made her giggle, but then minutes of nothing followed by more moments of being in the room but not in the room and having a foggy head as if I was coming round from a blackout. It is a really weird feeling and not one I feel I am capturing adequately in my description now, sometimes I have no idea of my surroundings dream and blurt out incoherent nonsense, other times it is like I am floating above it watching in, and sometimes it is like I am not asleep at all. I have no idea how long I was like this, whether it was 30mins or 3 hours and these crashes make me feel incredibly rude. I know how much we look forward to seeing and cheering Gran up and how eager she is for us to visit. I think she understands as she takes a variety of meds herself but the not knowing how long I was/am like it and being too afraid to ask means I never know how rude I have been. I really hope Gran has forgiven me already and knows I can’t help it, I love seeing her and she is one of the last people I’d want to upset and I really hope she hasn’t mistook my pain and crashing for rudeness.
Inevitably time for us to leave came and our LG fell asleep almost as soon as we had loaded the car up. I kept my wife awake on the way home by serenading her some of our favourite and most meaningful songs and then crashed on the sofa when I got home and we’d put our little one to bed. It cannot be much fun being around someone who mid sentence just zonks out and then has patch recollection and then at half past midnight is wide awake and sat in front of the TV. It is days like today I need to be kinder on myself and focus on what I did achieve as opposed to what I didn’t but that is incredibly hard to do especially when you feel like you, well not even you but your body has let you and everyone else down. Tomorrow I hope for more spoons and a catch up on sleep so that when we see friends for lunch I am a bit more with it. Trouble is the nature of my disability and chronic pain means I probably will wake with none! Here’s hoping anyway!