Day 129 – Positives – All about my wife

Today’s positive is all about my wife, I used to say my long suffering wife, because in my head as my abilities have lessened and I have become more dependent on my wife with things like running the household in addition to looking after me and our 3 year old LG I have thought my wife has become more unhappy. When we married we always had the plan of having another child and with my disability and pain the plan was for me to work part time and look after the household as she continued working full time in a noble, caring yet thankless profession safeguarding children (something I am very proud of her doing). My back has degenerated and subsequent pain and care needs have increased far quicker than we ever imagined they would and she has taken the bulk of the pressure for that.

This coupled with my mood being low and pain high, and having far too much time to over complicate and over think things have meant this year has been really tough on us. I have often questioned why would my wife want to be with this cripple who holds us back and causes days to end early or be cancelled all together. I have been stubborn and refused help and slowly simmered at periods over the year in a pressure cooker that every so often exploded not violently or abusively just ranting and hating my life and the burden that I was on everybody. I think I was trying to give my wife the opportunity and excuse to walkaway. Instead she carried on regardless of my mood getting me showered and dressed in the morning and making sure that things were kept ticking over at home with the help of our network of famiends I say famiends as my new made up word of family and friends who are actually all more like our family.

It has taken me to hit a real low and start sessions with Dr B over the past 6-8 weeks to start to see what was, no, what is in front of me. That is this beautiful woman that married me because we were head over heels in love with each other, we made a promise to be there for one another, we laughed, joked, smiled and enjoyed life and we were best friends. We always knew my health was going to deteriorate, OK we thought it would be another 5-15 years down the line but that didn’t alter the fact we stood in front of our famiends and declared our love for each other.

We haven’t spoke as much this year and it has been a bumpy year but that isn’t because my wife stopped loving me it was because I stopped listening, was fully aboard the pity express with no intention of getting off and I stopped talking and being honest about how much I was suffering. Now I know my fellow spoonies with partners will understand why I was doing it, because I thought I was protecting her, I also know that if our partners were talking they would say I was actually doing the complete opposite. Our partners are closest to us and see the pain everyday no matter how much we try and hide it or say no we don’t hurt and all this other stuff, and they do not question us.

In recent weeks I have started talking again, we have started laughing again and we have started stealing some of our own time together again in the evenings away from social media and actually talking, watching films and enjoying our time together. I have realised that as much as I have been pushing her away in some sort of weird noble get out clause for her she has never had any intention of going anywhere. We love each other more now than all those years ago when we started dating, we love each other more than the day we married and we love our family, our extended famiends, our life together and everything we have worked so hard to have. We are still best friends, my anniversary card tells me my wife loves me to the stars and moon and back and I feel the same way. Life will always have obstacles, I know we are better negotiating them together.

I am positive our love for each other is stronger than ever and I am positive that I will tell and make sure that my wife knows how much I love her and I will remember that together we can overcome anything no matter how hard it seems. We had this song played at our wedding by a band called Firehouse and it’s lyrics for me are more poignant today than ever. I love you gorgeous!

“I Live My Life For You”
You know you’re everything to me and I could never see the two of us apart.
And you know I give myself to you and no matter what you do
I promise you my heart

I’ve built my world around you and I want you to know
I need you like I’ve never needed anyone before

[Chorus:]
I live my life for you
I wanna be by your side in everything that you do
And if there’s only one thing you can believe is true
I live my life for you

I dedicate my life to you, you know that I would die for you
But our love would last forever
And I will always be with you and there is nothing we can’t do
As long as we’re together

I just can’t live without you and I want you to know
I need you like I’ve never needed anyone before

[Chorus]

I’ve built my world around you and I want you to know
I need you live I never needed anyone before

[Chorus]

I live my life for you

I live my life for you

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