Struggling to keep my head off the ground.

Once again today I have fallen down to the ground, I have spent the last couple of hours desperately trying to recover myself enough to get the pain to subside before being able to get some painkillers to help. Whilst today the only real damage was to my pride (I took the laptop with me but that is working now) I laid for ages recovering doing that one thing a spoonie shouldn’t do, making the list of what ifs;

  • I’d landed on my daughter (she wasn’t even here)
  • I’d hit my head and knocked myself out
  • I’d done more damage to my spine
  • I’d landed on something and impaled myself
  • I’d done it outside and embarrassed my family
  • I’d desperately needed help, I had no way of contacting anyone
  • I’d landed on someone else and injured them

When I was done wallowing I started trying to text my wife only I couldn’t hold my phone or make me fingers work, so I got more angry with myself and started the whole what if game again;

  • I’d needed to call some one in an emergency
  • I needed to call to help my LG, Son or Wife if they were injured

So from one fall I’d gone through the whole self loathing process questioning my ability to be a good husband and father even though I know I’d sacrifice my own life to save any one of them. Up until today I’d been having some good days mentally and positively speaking and all of a sudden I’d taken a massive jump backwards. I will look back at my work with Dr B tomorrow and no doubt contact some of my spoonies. I am with friends tomorrow who have known me a very long time and who I love very much so no doubt they will raise my spirits. In the meantime a cure that doesn’t involve a permanent wheelchair would be welcome, maybe the sumo suits so I’m more like a weeble! At least I haven’t lost my sense of humour hey!

As if by magic one of my fellow spoonies has made me smile already sharing this image on Facebook with me – it is why I love our support group and the wider understanding of people who really get what it is like

falling down

 

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