……………….I try to remain positive and of late I have been feeling good, I have been focusing on the future and doing all the things I have learnt that helped from my pain management programme – today however has been a huge blip. I was in so much pain last night that try as I might I could not settle and get some sleep. I last saw the clock at 3.33am and thought that was a little spooky but only as a passing thought there would have been a time when I’d have got up and hopped on one leg until 3.34am last night I just wished for sleep , I’ve spent 48 hours maxed out on my medication and this has not helped one bit. At 5.04 am my LG joined me as she’d been woken up by a light and noise. Our neighbour leaves early for work and I think this has been disturbing her, he is not particularly noisy and it is just one of those things, unfortunately their security light shines in to her room and around then is when she is starting to wake. Having no concept of time she comes through to me as she knows if she gets to me quickly I cannot get up and get her back to bed, truth be told this morning I heard her, checked my phone and shone the light so she could get to me, I needed a cuddle.
I have been suffering from such an incredible spike that I have done everything I hate most about my pain. I haven’t showered or dressed, I’ve comfort ate crap all day and when I desperately want to lose weight I have made myself really angry, and tense, and thus accentuated the pain. I know women think it is only them who dislike certain parts of themselves but I really hate my body. Not only am I now much bigger than when I got married (and days like today I question why people want to be around this slob) I used to love exercise and I mean really intense strenuous exercise which meant I ate anything I wanted, I drank heavily and I smoked and it had no impact on my weight, my love for food remains and every mouthful is now a million times harder to remove. Exercising is impossible due to the pain now, so it is limited to stretches and small movements to maintain what mobility I have so there is no increase of heart rate and therefore no burning off of the fat I have piled on. I would love to be strong enough to join a weight loss scheme but I’d be embarrassed that a pain setback would result in a pig out day and the following week in a roomful of people being congratulated I’d be slumped in my wheelchair with my head hung in shame like I was the naughty boy in the corner at school. The problem is when the pain is there all the time and your spoons are limited you don’t want to waste any or increase the pain standing making a healthy salad for lunch. Grabbing a packet of biscuits is much easier and almost spoon free. So not only have I stuffed my face, I’ve wallowed in the past, something I had resolved not to do anymore and I thought I was there, but alas it would appear not. I’ve not been able to sleep all day despite being exhausted and I have had a real short fuse around the family. The day can be summed up as a total fu@k up, and here I find myself sat up again with the pain making me want to scream with the only small pleasure being incredibly jealous of and amazed by the artwork on Tattoo Fixers. Small mercies on days like today.
So having got all this off my chest I now need to brave the publish button – I know I will because I do not want to sugar coat pain and deny days like this don’t happen, they happen all too frequently I just wish there was a magic wand to wave and snap out of it. I’m certainly looking forward to seeing my support group Thursday night.
Tomorrow will be a day of cuddles with my children, apologies for my mood and double checking the car insurance isn’t an expensive pile of sh!t, I should know better but was trying to prove I could be useful instead of useless – harsh but true. At least having written this I feel a bit better and that the mood has lifted even if the weight hasn’t!