I have realised that since my last appointment with Dr B I have found myself losing sight of some of the things that we spoke about – oh who am I trying to kid, all the things we spoke about, even the fact that she said I could call and set up another appointment with her if I was wavering. You see I don’t want to trouble her, put her out or take time from someone who is more deserving. The next big thing we were targetting was the date of my ill health retirement. I think I became so fixated on this date that I didn’t look beyond it.
Now that I have been formerly retired for a week I am having to go through the process of letting various people know, for example insurance companies – presumably being at home more will bring the contents insurance down but who can tell with insurers! Tax Credits, no doubt we will be stung with a bill, builders since we have to fund the work around the home to assist with my day to day living ourselves. The list goes on and on and I think by the end of this year family expenditure on things for me will run in to £15-20,000 in the last year alone. This will all have been funded by us whilst both my wife and I have been paying taxes. If I had been using the services that Adult social services have said I would be entitled to, and basing it on the cost per hour they charge instead of my family and friends I would have had over £28,000 worth of personal care – so tell me why despite this saving are my family paying thousands, because the system is fu@ked up and I am angry. Well kinda, sort of, partly, but also because I have been stressing and forgetting to do all the things I should be doing to keep my mind healthy – or as healthy as it can be. I had been focussing so much on surviving last Thursday that I didn’t give any thought past that date.
Since then we have found out that we will have to pay for more adjustments, that although we worked hard, saved, overpaid our mortgage and took out insurance protection our money that was due to enable my wife to cut back her hours and help care for me is having to be spent and eventually it will leave the tax payer fronting my care bills at far greater cost. The thing is though even more than this everything we try and do to give her a break and give her something to look forward whilst doing what I think is probably the hardest and least rewarding job there is cost more because of my needs. As if we don’t spend enough on already going on holiday is now costing us more. I know this is turning in to a grumbling whine but this is because I have to much time on my hands, am in too much pain to sleep, am feeling very low as I now have no job and am letting little things simmer and brew and become major honestttissues.
The saga with the council has reached boiling point and if the proposal goes ahead to move the play equipment there will be nowhere for me to take my LG to play where I can safely watch her, part of a bigger park that we can go to and play with other children so she can meet her friends and we can all picnic on. There are some small parks in housing estates but these will keep kids amused for an hour tops are usually overrun by kids from the estate unsurprisingly.
I was recently told to chill out and not stress because I have a lovely family and a good support network. The reality is though that I also want my independence, I want to be able to go and do things with my LG without roping in someone else to babysit me. We live in the so called developed world and are meant to be an inclusive society but I was told us cripples get the sh!tty end of the stick. Well that isn’t fair, our lives are protected to make things equal but they are anything but. Having had too much time and no focus this last week I have lst the plot a little and this rant is boiling over so I am going to sign off before I do the one thing I promised myself I would never do when I started this blog and that is go on a political tirade.
Moving forward I must revisit my mindfulness programme, I must start to refocus, set myself some goals, and challenge my energy on good things with positive outcomes and let go of some no all of the other stuff!