I must make more mindful time for me…….

I have realised that since my last appointment with Dr B I have found myself losing sight of some of the things that we spoke about – oh who am I trying to kid, all the things we spoke about, even the fact that she said I could call and set up another appointment with her if I was wavering. You see I don’t want to trouble her, put her out or take time from someone who is more deserving. The next big thing we were targetting was the date of my ill health retirement. I think I became so fixated on this date that I didn’t look beyond it.

Now that I have been formerly retired for a week I am having to go through the process of letting various people know, for example insurance companies – presumably being at home more will bring the contents insurance down but who can tell with insurers! Tax Credits, no doubt we will be stung with a bill, builders since we have to fund the work around the home to assist with my day to day living ourselves. The list goes on and on and I think by the end of this year family expenditure on things for me will run in to £15-20,000 in the last year alone. This will all have been funded by us whilst both my wife and I have been paying taxes. If I had been using the services that Adult social services have said I would be entitled to, and basing it on the cost per hour they charge instead of my family and friends I would have had over £28,000 worth of personal care – so tell me why despite this saving are my family paying thousands, because the system is fu@ked up and I am angry. Well kinda, sort of, partly, but also because I have been stressing and forgetting to do all the things I should be doing to keep my mind healthy – or as healthy as it can be. I had been focussing so much on surviving last Thursday that I didn’t give any thought past that date.

Since then we have found out that we will have to pay for more adjustments, that although we worked hard, saved, overpaid our mortgage and took out insurance protection our money that was due to enable my wife to cut back her hours and help care for me is having to be spent and eventually it will leave the tax payer fronting my care bills at far greater cost. The thing is though even more than this everything we try and do to give her a break and give her something to look forward whilst doing what I think is probably the hardest and least rewarding job there is cost more because of my needs. As if we don’t spend enough on already going on holiday is now costing us more. I know this is turning in to a grumbling whine but this is because I have to much time on my hands, am in too much pain to sleep, am feeling very low as I now have no job and am letting little things simmer and brew and become major honestttissues.

The saga with the council has reached boiling point and if the proposal goes ahead to move the play equipment there will be nowhere for me to take my LG to play where I can safely watch her, part of a bigger park that we can go to and play with other children so she can meet her friends and we can all picnic on. There are some small parks in housing estates but these will keep kids amused for an hour tops are usually overrun by kids from the estate unsurprisingly.

I was recently told to chill out and not stress because I have a lovely family and a good support network. The reality is though that I also want my independence, I want to be able to go and do things with my LG without roping in someone else to babysit me. We live in the so called developed world and are meant to be an inclusive society but I was told us cripples get the sh!tty end of the stick. Well that isn’t fair, our lives are protected to make things equal but they are anything but. Having had too much time and no focus this last week I have lst the plot a little and this rant is boiling over so I am going to sign off before I do the one thing I promised myself I would never do when I started this blog and that is go on a political tirade.

Moving forward I must revisit my mindfulness programme, I must start to refocus, set myself some goals,  and challenge my energy on good things with positive outcomes and let go of some no all of the other stuff!

8 thoughts on “I must make more mindful time for me…….

  1. I don’t know if it works similar to here in Canada over there, but insurance providers are the evil doers in our country. Paying premiums and living with the illusion that since you pay premiums all is good, because once you need the insurance to pay up they find all kinds of reasons not to, forcing people to get lawyers to get their due. Major scam in all ways.
    Also, many city parks are just not able to afford insurance coverage to make their parks accessible to the disabled, the liability insurance premiums would make them shut down if they did.
    Lastly, you need to sue someone to cover all the costs of your equipment needs as well as the cost of ongoing care and loss of wages. Taking it to court is the only way to get a fair shake these days😔

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  2. Thank you Linda, yes you are right, Rome wasn’t built in a day. I will get it sorted and have a word with her and have another visit just to give myself a boost xxx

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  3. Linda’s comments are so true bro, if the Dr didn’t want you to contact them they wouldn’t have said. In reality we are both very independent people who would love to be able to sort out our own issues, but we can’t always and that’s alright – no one can handle everything at once on a constant basis. We need to allow ourselves time to react, recover, breathe, prepare ourselves and move forward.

    It’s so easy to let things like mindfulness slip, and I’m just as guilty of it. Even when I can feel that itching inside my head telling me that I need to do it. We know where that road leads, but that fact that we are acknowledging what needs to be done is the first part of achieving it.

    My mind and body need retuning too after a long time of neglect, focussing on other things to my own detriment, so I know exactly what you mean.

    Being passionate means having the disappointments and rants when things fail or are against us, but that same passion is what drives us to our greatest of achievements, our best selves – all the time we are judging ourselves, pushing ourselves, and some days we just need to be a little more forgiving of ourselves – we’re only human……mostly, I’m just “ginger”. 😉

    Much love bro

    Xxx ooo

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  4. Just one small, but significant, comment – you are no less deserving of Dr B’s time than anyone else. It is there to be used – use it if you need to.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes Linda I suppose you are right just felt like I was all positive and heading in the right direction and now feel like I’ve taken 100 very painful steps backwards. I guess the pride in me doesn’t want to admit failure so soon xxx

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      1. No, no, no, not failure. Definitely not – you have already come a long way. We all do it – make a start on something and then it gets overtaken by something else. It would be a huge achievement if you managed to change your whole way of thinking in such a short time. Just keep on trying – it is usually the plodders who succeed in the end. Rome wasn’t built in a day, you know😊

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