I cannot remember the last time I got a decent nights sleep, it is always broken up with vivid horrendous dreams, spasms and uncomfortable sleeping positions. It is making me tired and grumpy, even more forgetful and overly snappy with my LG. I can see in her face that she knows why it is happening and often in her actions too because she will come and give me a big cuddle and we will read a book or watch tv.
Trouble is I want to give more than that to her and to my family they deserve so much more. I want to go back to making her laugh, being able to play with her and do more than just tell her to tidy things up and take her to the toilet. I have maybe one good day a week where I go out and do a little but then spend the next few days paying for it. I long to be back under control of my pain and at least back to a “normal” life. The first step to this is getting a new bed trouble is there is nowhere like furniture village or mattressman that I can just go to and test a variety of beds and mattresses like I would have done when I did not have my disability. The idea is that I am supposed to somehow decide to spend thousands of pounds on a bed without having tried it first is absurd. We think we have found one store that stocks some beds in Ipswich so will have to take a trip down their to find one. Hopefully this will be successful and I will finally get back into my own bed. If there are none suitable there we have no idea where we will go next. Would you spend £3-5,000 on something you have never seen or tried?
It is crazy to think that could be the case – I will be at the mercy of some salesperson who will not have seen me. Today the builder came back to take a look at the bathroom so he can put together some quotes for us, I think terrifyingly there could be a huge difference in cost from what I expected to what will be quoted. I was in so much pain and so exhausted that I had to have someone else here to deal with him. My mum came round to collect my LG to take her to nursery and to speak about the problems finding a holiday, at times I felt as though I was floating above the room whilst she was talking to me, drifting in and out.
Enough is enough though I am now hitting the hot tub, going to do some of my mindfulness stuff and try and realign my mind a little. Thinking clearer is far better than this muddled mind!