Depression Days

Today has been one of those days where my pain has won the day. There has been no spoons to use so much so that I am still in my dressing gown and lounge pants, the most amount of movement has come from me going for a pee first thing and some seated stretches. Days like today I hate my pain!

My wife and LG went to the park making the most of the warmest day of the year. They also made the most of not having the cripple in tow and visited all the parks they cannot go to with me, visiting Rothbury, Ketts Park and the Loggy. I know this should not upset me because my wife works and for her to have some lovely time alone with our LG is a good thing and I’m happy that they have. What’s more, no most frustrating is that it was not through our  choice that they had a mummy daughter day but that my pain has dictated it to us.

The spoon count is at a minus count already, and even more annoying than all this is that yesterday wasn’t a day I over did it. All day was spent at home with my aids, I did all my exercises and walking and stretches and our impromptu meal out was 10 minutes down the road so not even the travel time there can be considered a factor. I had a decent for me, amount of sleep and got up this morning with my LG and literally feel like I have been run over by a bus.

This is the life of a spoonie all best laid plans out the window, and a day of self loathing. The reality is the last few days have taken their toll on me, the preparation for the Wymondham Access Group Meeting, the work I’ve been doing on it since, the trip out in my wheelchair ♿ with Cllr Wyers has all caught up with me and my body has slumped saying enough is enough you are doing nothing today! Even this is being typed on my mobile as I cannot support the weight of a laptop (yes you read that right) and sit up and type.

These are the days people on the outside looking in do not see, the days my wife has to be my carer, drinks runner, supporter when I walk, housewife, mummy and everything else in between. I try to remain positive but the reality is I’m beating myself up about everything I cannot do, or should be doing but can’t.

Mindfulness is the order of the day this  evening.


5 thoughts on “Depression Days

  1. I can understand your feelings. Watching someone doing what you cannot is very frustrating. You are also right about what people on the outside actually see. They have no idea of the battle you face every single day. I think you may have taken on a bit too much in a short space of time. Your body doesn’t like that very much. I hope you can find a balance somehow
    I have been asked what i am doing in one of the Asda electric shopping trolleys. I nearly said ” i am just a lazy twat. Is that what you think? But I didn’t
    Even on a good day you are tied to your wheelchair when you are out. I have lost count of the times that I have to wait outside while my wife and son go in to a shop.
    Life has kicked the stuffing out of you mate, I know that. But your friends and family keep you on the up. We cannot fixt you. We can only be there to help if we can. If I could give you a spoon or two I would.
    Jezza xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I pressed the like button but it is not really that I like this just that I can understand how you feel. I often feel my pain 2 or 3 days after. I went to the pictures yesterday and enjoyed watching Zootropolis with my daughter and granddaughter but we had to drive quite a bit to pick up/ drop off my granddaughter as well so my pain is bad already so what will happen in the next few days remains to be seen but at least I had fun 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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