Day 251 – Positive I need strength I’m not sure I have

I try to remain positive but at times the pain is just all so consuming that the positivity is quite literally sucked out of you like a vacuum cleaner sucking the last few droplets of mud off the beautiful beige carpets in the adverts showing you just how powerful and amazing it is. It has got to that point today, and I sit here using the last available energy sapping spoons I have typing this. I have had a fun day but it is relentless at the moment what with NACP, WAG and WTC on top of this learning the ropes with NAG and DDAG I am losing site of the most important set of letters DADDY. All this started when a 3 year and 3 month old little girl broke down in tears at a photo of the only park DADDY can take her to in the local newspaper as it broke my heart to tell her that it was being massively downsized. She instantly saw the impact it would have and it has snowballed to the point of exhaustion. I wouldn’t change it because there are some massively positive things coming from all this but today I had the first pangs of guilt at not being online to read emails that may or may not be coming through, and that was after spending an hour on them this morning. All this was when I should have been on my no technology Wednesday. The difficulty is it is so important to keep the pressure up and to keep the initial thrust as the groups I am involved with are set up with mission statements and constitutions.

Getting home this evening there were many emails to reply to and not enough enrgy in the tank to do it, it will ease as other people are appointed and the support is shared around. What makes it easier is that for now everywhere I turn I seem to have another handshake and a congratulatory handshake or keep up the good work, you are doing a positive thing, this is great and I know we are (I say we as both groups I am in are very much a we, that I am a part of) doing good things. Just when you have a LG saying DADDY please don’t go to another meeting even if it is about the park I want to see you it is crushing. I know she does understand the work involved, nor how difficult some parties make it to achieve things, and I hope one day she will understand.

Thanks go to my very good friends Jeremy, Andre and Tom for joining us for a few hours of family fun escaping the tasks and having fish and chips followed by fun on the 2p machines (apologies for trashing the fence with my car 😦 ). We had a lovely afternoon. Thank you also for the two spoons you generously donated to me this evening, these will hopefully allow me to get some sleep and not see me begging for release from the pain with every fibre of my body at 3 am. Judging by the screaming pain and lack of breath now I doubt it but we can hope 🙂

Apologies my positive hasn’t been positive more of a grumble about pain and a random blog, but the truth is there is a lot going on at present, I am doing a lot, desperately trying to keep afloat have some wonderful famiends who helped me escape for a few hours today but I wish above all else I could just have some relief from life. Time is ticking on my council letter that must be responded to via their solicitors – I just want some down time the one thing it is impossible to get when you live with chronic pain, you never get time to rest without pain imposing and this is what makes living a normal life in 21st Century impossible :-/

11 thoughts on “Day 251 – Positive I need strength I’m not sure I have

  1. Don’t feel too guilty – it’s natural for children to want constant aattention, and LG needs to learn that she can’t always expect you to be there. I’m sure you are still giving her as much time as you can, and no doubt as much as any busy father can give his children. One of my grandsons is veryy attached to daddy, and when he was about that age used to regularly play his mother up on a Monday when daddy had to go to work . Try to delegate as much as possible – which I know from experience you don’t find easy!

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    1. Me, delegate, have you lost your mind Linda hahaha you are right recognising ones weaknesses is a strength and if I want to keep mine I must do this. You’d make a great secretary with your shorthand, Wymondham’s not far pay would be tea and biscuits have I convinced you out of retirement? 🙂
      On a more serious note we must meet up before the end of May, it is one of my Goals for the first half of the year 🙂 Well assuming you want to still.

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      1. I never did shorthand – or at least, not the official kind! As for recognising your weaknesses – why not treat the work like a job, and keep your technology free days as your weekend?
        Seriously, yes, we must meet up. I know it’s not easy for you, but I am very flexible as I don’t have many firm commitments. The last two weeks in April and first week in May look very empty at the moment.

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        1. Hi Linda, yes not the official kind, you always had such meticulous notes and methods I always remember how much they helped me. Debs has Wednesdays off so we’ve designated a Wednesday and one day each weekend to be escape days. I can only really concentrate about an hour each am/pm so you know me pushing myself hard to be so productive in those hours it is having an adverse affect on my health which is of course unhealthy in itself a daft thing to do but I want to help other’s especially who are less fortunate. A catch up would be lovely, I have little on other than meeting and my birthday xxxx

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  2. It’s okay..I still feel your positive and energy. I can understand the situation… its a bigger one than my own. You have helped me believe..that even with pain, I will complete my own journey and do it with a bang. Your LG loves you sooo much, as do all your family. I appreciate your words and sharing! From the Caribbean with heartfelt thanks and encouragement!

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    1. Thank you, that is so kind and lovely to read your words. We all have more strength than we truly know, and our journeys are all different, I try never to compare pain or ailments as they are all relative to our own situations. I am sure you will find the strength you need for your own journey and I hope you have the confidence to share it when you feel able to and inspire others as I have with you. Can you send me some of the Caribbean weather too please, would help the pain no end 🙂

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      1. Sending some Caribbean sun to fill your home, fill your heart, and fill your thoughts… This is a special sun, I’m teleporting for you..You just have to believe, and its there 🙂

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  3. I am thinking of you. I know how overwhelming technology is. You can only do what you can do. I wish you weren’t in agony in the early hours. I am trialling a new medication to try and help me sleep at the moment.

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    1. Thank you, knowing we are not alone was the first big step I took on my own journey of accepting my pain and speaking to others who really, really understood how it consumes you. I hope your new meds have success without side effects.

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