We came home a few weeks back and there was one of those you missed the postman parcel was too big for the letterbox cards. My wife and I wracked our brains (for me it didn’t take long) and neither of us could remember ordering anything. We were in hurry to collect it and finally when my folks were heading down that way I grabbed a lift. I got there and when the the parcel came out it was this;
Instantly my heart sank, I recognised the arches at the top instantly as my former employer City College Norwich, proud as I am whenever I talk about them and the last job I did there I am panged with guilt, guilt at not being able to carry on with a job I loved, guilt at leaving my colleagues in the lurch as pain took control of my body, and worst of all guilt at leaving a number of students some of whom had started building a professional relationship with me in their first year and to those I’d met once or twice and was trying to develop relationships with them to help them successfully complete their full time courses.
This was magnified by the fact that in my first year I’d set up a number of reporting and recording systems and in developing the tools for my successors along with establishing great rapport with the department and students I was rewarded with an award for support staff member of the year. Some students and staff did a lovely video for me thanking me for my hardwork and support, whilst acknowledging that I had implemented some great monitoring systems and so on and so forth. As part of my job I had been working with some students to demonstrate my capabilities of being a mentor and working towards my CII Level 3 Certificate in mentoring. I had towards the end of the summer 2014 submitted my portfolio for assessment and successfully completed my course. I was looking forward to starting the next level of assessments and the new year.
My pain unfortunately had other ideas and just when I thought I had accepted my pain and the new chapter in my life this lands on the door step like a reminder of all I have lost. I still cannot bring myself to open it and read it, I know I must and no doubt their will be some feedback sheets but I just don’t feel quite strong enough to this yet. Even with everything I am achieving with my family and that I am working towards with WAG and the fight to save accessible play I still have these mental blocks that come along and this package is one of them. Sometimes it is the silliest things, sometimes it is the reminders of what you have lost or left behind. There is no rhyme or reason for it and there is nothing that anyone can do to protect you from the things that will make you go funny or antagonise you!
It is so draining being in constant pain and I guess these out bursts and mental blocks are inevitable. I just hope as I mature slowly so does my outbursts.