This comes naturally to a spoonie neglecting life, even when you are consciously trying not to do it. The stress just makes sure that you end up doing it. I have found 2017 really tough. My health has been worse, important people in my family have been ill and diagnosed with cancer, my granny with the white hair who I’ve blogged about before passed away last week and a good friend who I have previously worked with and played football with died after a short but aggressive battle with Cancer the week before. It is undeniably an incredibly tough time emotionally and physically. The knock on affect is that my moods swing, people get upset with my mood and comments and not just the flippant comments but sincere ones to.
I lie and say things are OK, but really inside my head and heart are shouting why, what the fuck! Every year I think next year will be better for us, next year I’ll have more time for my family and friends, next year will be our year. Once again I find myself wanting another year to be over in hope of another year being better.
Now this isn’t a woe is me post as there will always be people feeling worse than me, it’s more of a post acknowledging that I am human and at times I need help. I have spent many months sorting a personal budget and a PA to help me, another big step in my journey of needing help. I am trying to sort a power chair, I have my PIP assessment paperwork to complete, my motability car contract to renew and my driving capability assessment to complete. I have another MRI scan because of my recent falls and tests for issues with my bowels and my diary is full. Not full with fun stuff but important stuff. The spoons just don’t go as far these days.
Life is tiring at the moment and there are good people I have not seen in months. I’ve done two blogs in about 3 months and I’ve missed a number of WAG events. All of this makes me feel like I’m letting you all down. I struggle daily to get dressed and do normal things and I worry about most people before myself. It means the pressure builds and I forget things. Life has to be planned meticulously and I hate not being able to be spontaneous with my family and friends.
It is even harder at times like this when I see friends and family mourning and missing loved ones and not being able to instantly drop everything and be there. So whilst I have been neglecting life recently please know it is not through choice but necessity. Some long battles and some short ones have taken their toll on me and the need for so much change has left me tired. I’m hoping things will improve but I always say this, so if you’ve been waiting for a catch up, a blog or even a text ping me another message, I will get back to you. I’m just prioritising spoons for DWP paperwork, social services paperwork and two funerals celebrating lives of two important people.
For now peace out, be kind to one another, look for what makes you unique but also gives you shared causes to believe in and remember if I can keep on wheeling so can you!