The truth is it hurts…..

When I started my blog I promised to bare it all warts and all but the truth is this year I haven’t had it in me to write. I try to remain positive, I try to find solutions not just problems, I try to look forward with hope and happiness and I try above all else to show the world that despite my pain and disability life goes on. The reality is that this year I have been floundering so that it has felt that most of the year my head has been spent below water only managing to capture the odd breath of air keeping me alive.

It hasn’t just been my own health that has been the worst I’ve experienced that is the issue, the year has been my own annus horribilis. It started with the news that someone I love with all my heart had breast cancer and to further complicate the issue no immediate operation could be completed as she also had deep vein thrombosis. For the past 7 months we have as a family been very worried whilst all the time trying to remain positive. This in itself has caused a series of knock on affects, the most significant of which for me is the acceptance that I needed a part time carer to help throughout the day. Another huge step on my journey. I am pleased to say the prognosis is good now for my loved one following a mastectomy.

Following this diagnosis Granny with the white hair at the age of 92 passed away after a brief spell in hospital. She was the kindest and most loving grandparent you could wish for. Sadly she was diagnosed with Alzheimers towards the end of last year and although the end came quickly and peacefully it wasn’t any easier. Not only did she until last year get up early to cook fresh scones whenever we visited she was a great source of comfort for our family and my wife has happy childhood memories spent with her. Losing your grandparents I guess is a part of life as they get older, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

One of my best friends moved away for personal reasons with very little in the way of a goodbye, and it is easier for him to have no contact with me, despite several messages and emails from me. His brother was one of my best friends and he died 13 years ago after a night out with me. It now feels as if I have lost them both.

Shortly after this news a friend, former footballer and colleague, mentor and genuinely all round top bloke was diagnosed with Terminal Cancer. He went from winning darts tournaments in April to saying his final goodbyes in June. This hit me hard as I am fast approaching 40 and I have lost too many people in my life already. Another former colleague lost her battle with cancer this month and another friend had been working off his bucket list as he was given months to live earlier this year. He passed away this month and we said our goodbyes to him last Wednesday, complete with a Motorbike Parade and Guard of Honour. This all hurts and has contributed to it being a hard year. Stress aggravates my pain, sleepless nights and guilt for not seeing them more make me question how good a friend and person I am and makes me hate my disability. It is hard to explain the physical as well as mental affect these sort of things have on me. I know when I look back on the year there will have been fun and positives it is just so hard to see them when the lows have been so extreme.

So my blog has been neglected, my pain has spiked, and something had to give. The blog was the easiest thing I have that I could stop and so I did. Now I am trying to look forward and adjust to life with my relatively newly appointed PA helping me.  To give myself a focus I am on a diet trying to lose weight which is tough when exercise is impossible but I am starting to feel like there is more I can do to help manage the pain and to start living life again. My weight is another jigsaw piece in this and I have lost nearly 2 and a half stone since September. My family did the Alzheimer’s Society memory walk in September in memory of Granny with the white hair and we are now preparing for the Christmas celebrations and our Wedding Anniversary. It has been a tough year, it has been a painful year and I have struggled and so I hid from the blogging, those who know me well knew this, for some of you perhaps this gives you a glimpse into the past year. Fortunately I have a very strong, loving and understanding network of family and friends who help me with the dark times, a wife who I am sure I don’t deserve, children who make me proud and smile and famiends who I can rely on. Here’s hoping that with them I get back on track, that 2018 brings with it fresh challenges and exciting times and a few more blogs…..

6 thoughts on “The truth is it hurts…..

  1. I thought something was up, as I missed your blogs. What a year you have had, enough to get anyone down. I hope 2018 is better, and that you can get your positive attitude back. It takes a while, I only now feel I am truly ‘back to normal’ after Mum’s passing over a year ago, greatly helped by a month in Perth with two gorgeous little boys. Children can be a life-saver sometimes. I’m sure your daughter has cheered ypu up on many occasions. And I’m also sure you thoroughly deserve your lovely wife.

    My Dad always used to sign off his letters to me with the words ‘keep smiling’. Difficult at times, I know, but it used to give me a lift. So –

    Thinking of you, and keep smiling! xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words and sentiment Linda. You are right my family have been very supportive and made me smile at the darkest times.

      It does take a while to get back to feeling yourself and I hope to get back to regular blogging in the new year. Keep smiling is a lovely way to end xx

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  2. This has been a hard year indeed Bro and you have dealt with it with greater strength than you realise, even when it may not feel like it.

    Most people would have stumbled and fallen at some of these let alone the pace and number you’ve had to experience this year.

    I know appearances can be deceiving, and it can be hard to honest with ourselves about how we are feeling, let alone others. We are here for you though, always, whenever you do want to talk.

    It’s understandable that some things have had to give, but also important to take the time and only do as much as we can, even when we may want to do so very much more. This too, is hard to accept, but we’ll get there, even if it’s not in the time frame we originally may have hoped.

    This is my second time of writing this reply as my first didn’t seem to post (although that may be brain fog working on me, so apologies if it is).

    Here’s to a better 2018, to seeing and hearing more from each other, to a happy, healthy and prosperous new year.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. No worries at all Bro, been worried about you for a while and feel pretty helpless as to what to do to help but know that we are both here for you at any point, however we can help xxx sadly I’m not so mobile or capable of just popping in, but glad we’ve got stuff booked in so I can save spoons and still know I get to see you, even if I am on the ground playing with the vet stuff 🙂

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