Retirement 2 years on!

No prizes for guessing the content of this blog, for once the title gives away the text. When I look back to my teenage years I think thank goodness there wasn’t social media in my time. Don’t get me wrong, I had a fantastic time, more fun than I ever imagined and I am fortunate that I still some 25 years on see many of the people who also share those memories. The twenties was when things changed, I had my car accident and lots of things I thought I knew I would do, loved doing and had planned were taken away. It was an instant removal for four years of recovery.

After this my stubbornness and willingness to not give in kicked in. Before I knew it, and against my consultants advice I was back working at a college. It was hard, it was painful but it was rewarding and I was there for 10 years. Unfortunately as I got worse my ability to work diminished and I had hours cut, and cut, and cut some more until it got to the point that I knew what was coming but was dreading hearing. I was going to be retired due to ill health. Those words were for a number of weeks almost as painful as my physical pain itself. If I couldn’t work what would my role in life be, what’s my purpose, how am I a good role model for my family, how will we cope financially, what will my wife think, what will my family and friends think – these are just a snapshot of some of the thoughts that were running constantly through my head and that still do this day do. I look to all the world on the outside a happy chappy who has accepted his disability and who gets on with life putting his best foot or wheel forward, however one thing you learn to do as a consequence of masking your pain is learning the ability to also mask your feelings. Despite having amazing people around me I felt worthless, useless even and yep some days and nights when I’m awake suffering from pain I slide back to those emotions.

Luckily I had a pain psychiatrist as part of my consulting team and I remember vividly the sessions we had together, the tears and emotions that came out and the sheer relief of offloading was a huge step forward for me in accepting that ill health retirement was the next step in my journey. So what did it really mean for me, I wasn’t becoming 68 overnight, I was 38, I was, I am too young to be retired. To start with I had the pain to contend with, to get back under some sort of control if I could. We had my medication regime to change, I was fed up of taking over 45 tablets daily and not knowing what was and what wasn’t helping. Not working meant we were able to do this, I was able to go through withdrawal off one and try another and so on. This has been done with each of meds and I have got rid of some #celebratethemsmallvictories . The first step forward in the last two years since stopping work has been that I now have medications settled in a regime that have for now stabilised my pain, not reduced it so that it’s gone but reduced it enough so that we can plan my week to a certain extent and know that with careful planning and pacing achieve most of it. The pain is high but my meds allow me function to a certain extent, to live life rather than just wallowing away. This has with it some issues as those who don’t see judge. I mean that people who see me out only see that, they don’t see the days preparing to go out, the days recovering afterwards nor all the help I receive to get me out in the first place. Nonetheless being able to go out, even just once a week to shop gives me such a buzz and sense of achievement. Albeit an entirely different buzz to my 16-24 years and what I was doing then and thought I’d be achieving now. The sessions with B were excellent in making me realise that goal setting is important but so to is goal revising. We don’t have crystal balls and we don’t know what we may or may not achieve.

I have after a very long process and at great personal expense to the family finished coordinating making our home wheelchair accessible. Not as easy as one may think even living in a bungalow but we’ve done it. We’ve paid for it, and it will be ours until the end. We’ve negotiated the minefield that is adult social services care. This was another huge step for me.

Having to admit that I needed support during the day was a gut wrenching decision, but in truth it was needed. I’d survived for years with help and support from my famiends (family and friends) but I needed something more regular, something that I could plan days out shopping, to help me in the hot tub for my Hydrotherapy, to dry and dress me afterwards, help with housework, cooking, and any number of obscure tasks that most take for granted. Here I was perhaps most fortunate of all when finding my personal assistant. A very good friend’s circumstances meant he was looking for a part-time job and with our children growing up with one another and being a close family friend it was a match made. Admittedly the first time I needed help drying and dressing was a bit weird and we both had to get over the whole friend / PA role but it works well. I have company, I have someone who laughs with me as well as at me and most importantly someone who cares about me as a friend first and the person he cares for second. This has meant that moments like toilet accidents and face plants can be laughed about and sorted without the awkward embarrassed feelings I was worried we’d have when getting help planned. It has also meant that family who had helped have been able to go back to being family first and occasional support second.

Personally I have been working hard to lose weight, the unfortunate side effects of many of my meds is the weight gain and increased appetite. The more I weigh the more pressure I put on my spine and joints and so the vicious circle begins. Trying to lose weight without being able to exercise is not easy, and loving exercise in my former life I have started slimming world, this has given me something to focus on personally since mid September and I have lost 2 & a half stone thus far.

Most of all though my biggest and most enjoyable task since not being able to work but putting all the adjustments into life is being a parent. Not being in agony all the time, not taking so much medication I couldn’t be alone with my children and not using up spoons on some mundane tasks means I have been able to be the best daddy I can ever be. Yes sometimes the activities doesn’t look the same as when others play, or it is short bursts of playing and I’m one of the few dad’s who regularly do the school run each day.

I have heard my parents and in laws say they have never been as busy as when they retired and in some respects this is true. My financial worth to my family in pounds and pence may have decreased by my real worth in being there, having friends over and contributing to our household have increased ten fold. Yes I still have days where I like to crawl in a corner and suffer silently, but I also have fun days and laugh and play and try to be the best dad I can be. If I wasn’t injured I’d be a regular stay at home dad, but having a disability means I am to some perceived differently. I have however in the last two years since retirement reflected on lots. I don’t regret any choices made, I don’t regret any decision made and I have learnt to accept that life is what it is. Those who judge you have no right to and we all have sacrifices that we make, we all face issues and life is never a bed of roses so you can only do your best, surround yourself with the right people and they will help you through the good and bad times and it can perhaps be summed up best as

Those that matter don’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter.

Well I’ve waffled on, used my spoons and now it is rest and relaxation until hometime and teatime…..

One wheel forward three stumbles back

It’s the same old story of a spoonie. If you’re going to dare to have some fun, you will reap the consequences. This weekend was a fun weekend. My LG was super excited about the royal wedding and squeezed into a bridesmaid dress from a year ago to watch it. We watched it with Grandad who was also celebrating his birthday. About a 40 minute drive so on the cusp of my limit. A quiet day to most, but nonetheless I returned home shattered. In the evening we had friends over for an Indian takeaway and watched the greatest showman and Jumanji, Sunday really should have been a rest day.

I say should as it wasn’t, it was a fantastic day spent with friends in a nearby forest. I hired a large mobility scooter from the forestry commission with full on suspension and captains seat so I could be as comfortable as possible and off we went exploring (after breakfast of course) . We followed the Highway Rat šŸ€ trail had a picnic lunch and then did a forest walk/wheel after lunch. It was a beautiful sunny day, my head is showing signs of a tan and we laughed lots.

I consider myself very fortunate as my family and friends are very understanding of my pain and disability and although we often laugh and joke about it they do get it. One of my closest friends also happens to have started being my Personal Assistant (weird at first but it works perfectly) he was semi retired and spending a lot of time with me helping out anyway so it was sort of the natural progression. By the time I returned the scooter my body was certainly telling me I’d done enough, and all that was left to do at the weekend was a meal for grandad’s birthday with the in laws.

I collapsed into my rise and recline chair and was pleased to see some lovely photos of the day, taken by our friends, including this lovely one of me and my friend/pa below.

As I say a lovely weekend, tiring yes but for my wellbeing days out are so important. The payback though is honestly a bitch, since returning home the pain has spiked and I just cannot get comfortable. Meds are up, extra PA hours are being used and the days are drifting along in what is best described as a pain psychosis episode. Conversations don’t make total sense, sleep isn’t happening and I am certainly paying the consequences of having fun. Don’t get me wrong I’m not regretting going out but as many people see me and say things like oh you must be getting better the reality is vastly different I manage my condition so I don’t become a hermit anymore. Today I have ventured outside in the garden and am writing this with a lovely coffee and the help of speech software. Now I’m signing off for a catch up with a friend who has just arrived with his little boy.

January’s roller-coaster šŸŽ¢ ride

January’s roller-coaster šŸŽ¢ ride

2018 is approximately one twenty fourth gone (a bizarre opening I know), and I already feel like the year is going to be a tough one. After a number of good months of weight loss I found with the indulgences at Christmas I encountered my first week of gain. No big deal really but getting the discipline back has been harder than I imagined and I’ve had a week of staying the same. A real kick up the backside, but with another 3 stone minimum to go, a kick I needed. There are foods I love and for many years I could eat what I wanted and with the amount I was able to exercise it didn’t matter. Things are massively different now and the inability to exercise coupled with a learnt love of food frustrates the hell out of me. If I’m honest, it’s the not being able to exercise that I find hardest. A run was valuable me time in decades gone by. 

Following on from Christmas we had a relaxing mini-break booked at centre parcs down the road from our home town. It was lovely to escape to the forest with my family and have some downtime if there is such a thing. It was our first stay as a family and I hope it won’t be our last. We were treated to a veritable feast of nature at our window each morning enjoying the breakfast we put down for them. We had lots of fun spotting birds, deer, squirrels and any number of other fauna.

We made some lovely memories, mad science, adventure of the senses and had a soak in the pool, that had good disabled access, large changing facilities with beds although these were available to all and no surprises they were always the ones wanted by everyone. I tell you when it comes to a larger changing room, toilet or parking space everyone wants to use it if only all the same people wanted to have the disability that makes theses a necessity not a luxury. I digress (a theme of my blogs). There was ramped access into the pool and wet side wheelchairs, the staff were well informed and even understood the difference between ambulant and non ambulant wheelchair users. The one downside was there was no way of booking an accessible pool side cabana as there was only 1 and being the largest this was always booked and not listed as accessible. This really was the only negative regards the swimming and activities we booked, although a bit more information on the website wouldn’t go amiss. When booking in we were given a permit to place next to my blue badge in the window of my car (available if you’re the driver) so I could leave my car outside the cabin and hoist my scooter/wheelchair in and out depending which one I was using. The adventure of the senses had an alternative wheelchair route so I could do 95% of the activities and the pathways throughout the site were a good standard meaning I could switch between using my mobility scooter to go on nature walks, watch crazy golf and the like and using my wheelchair to have something to sit on comfortably when going to eat. 

The weekend was a huge success and we left with big smiles on our faces and great memories to look back on. The downside of a peak like this is the payback I get for over exerting myself, pushing myself too far, maximum medicating and sealing spoons. We returned home 10 days ago now and I’m still suffering the consequences, increased pain, sleep deprivation, increased mood swings, lower daily function. In essence I’ve been a hermit other than the school run. It is times like this when having a friend as my PA has been amazing. He’s shopped for me, come in each day and done all the things he usually does and just left me to doze in and out of pain unconsciousness, it’s the best phrase I can come up with to describe my body shutting down when the pain is too much. I’m not really unconscious but I’m not really coherent either, it’s just what happens when my body says you know what I can’t deal with this pain. Sadly it’s for about 30 minute intervals as I either spasm or twitch and have to move slightly to get comfortable again. The payback for having fun is a b!tch but the one thing last year taught me with the loss of far too many friends is that life is too short to sit around doing nothing. The pain is never going away, the frustration, the good days, the bad days they are part of life and I have to embrace them. 

Each year I hope the new year will bring with it easier times, some minor miracle of a day out without two days either side in preparation and recovery, or people not having to plan things around me and quickly that hope fades away after a few weeks on the roller-coaster,although I try not to be too negative as I know there’s always others worse off than me and good friends going through harder times, whether it be physically or mentally or both, but for me personally I do wish there were some days where the roller-coaster was more of a relaxed cruise. 

New Year, New You?

If only it was that easy!!!!!!!! With each new year though there does come a fresh hope of change, of a new improved “normal” or, at the very least, not a worse normal! Living with chronic pain there is so many variables and unknowns it is almost impossible to set targets above and beyond getting up, showered and dressed each day. It doesn’t mean that you don’t set targets, you just have to give them a lot of thought.

I haven’t rushed into making New Year’s resolutions as I know how easily they can be broken and how deflating that is. After all January 1st is the first page of 365 page blank book and it is down to me, to fill that book with as much fun, laughter and enjoyment as possible. Having lost 2 1/2 stone in the last third of last year I have set myself the target of losing the same amount this year. Other than that my new year’s resolutions are to simply make the most of each day in spite of my pain, and to share more blogs about life with you all. Last year my blogs slipped away and I really want to make the most of this as a way of monitoring and sharing my journey with myself, and anyone else who wants to read along with me.

Have you made any new year’s resolutions?

 

16 Products That Help People Struggling With Painsomnia | The Mighty

An interesting article on the mighty that may be of help to people with painsomnia. I have a number of these products and although my blog isn’t and never has been sponsored or a way of making money I am sure many of you who frequently suffer from painsomnia will understand how important sharing this information is.

If this helps just 1 person I will be very happy!

The Mighty community shares the products they use that help them cope with painsomnia.

Source: 16 Products That Help People Struggling With Painsomnia | The Mighty

A weight off my mind and body

Back in August at one of my many regular hospital appointments I was asked by the staff about my weight. Not in an insulting way,  but I was having a scan and they needed to know I was under 23 stone. Needless to say I was shocked and although not angry I was mildly insulted. I thought how can they think I weigh anything near 20 stone let alone 23!

All my life I’ve weighed heavy and I can’t remember last time I was under 14 stone and I know over the years and especially since my car accident my weight has increased. However for me it had never become an issue to the point that I was concerned about it, well not until that day. Worse still was that when I was weighed to make sure I wasn’t going to break the machine šŸ˜‚ šŸ˜‚ šŸ˜‚ I weighed just under 20 stone. Yeah my get in, in your face nurse, I’m well under 23 stone celebration was cut short as the realisation that I was nearly 20 stone hit me. Then I was put I the MRI machine where I spent the whole time in a panic and thinking if I was nearer 23 next time I went in they’d need to get me out again with a tin opener.

Being unable to exercise my option was to make the most of my newly appointed Personal Assistant and make a concerted effort to eat healthy and lose some weight. Friends have spoken highly of various diets and companies and I choose the one I thought would suit me. The difficulty was I couldn’t go to the meetings and get weighed so I was going to have to do it at home. Fortunately I have some good friends doing the same healthy living plan so with their support and encouragement I set up my own plan, bought what I needed and set a weekly weigh in day.

3 months has passed and I have lost just under 3 stone. I can’t remember the last time there was a 16 at the start of my scales but I was pleasantly surprised this morning. According to my tracking app I have just over the same to go again to get to my ideal weight, however I was 14 last time I was anywhere near that. To stay fairly close to what I weighed today would make me happy since it is now the festive period and hopefully this time next year I will be celebrating my target.

This weight loss not only has helped my own esteem (something I didn’t think had been affected), my mood and my body is better for it too. I’ve effectively lost the weight of my LG, my clothes no longer fit for a good reason and although I miss some foods I’m finding little amounts of what I like can still be eaten just in sensible portions. Certainly has been a weight off my mind and body. 

For The Billion | Martyn Sibley

This is an inspiring read, not only about overcoming adversity and learning to accept and persevere in life, but also explains what makes people disabled (the physical barriers like steps) and how everyone can play a part in changing the world we live in.

Martyn Sibley’s blog and story.

My personal story It was June 1999. There were wires and tubes coming out of my body everywhere. I was hallucinating. I was sure the nurse was my Irish grandma (who had passed away nearly 10 years before). Worst of all I was violently sick every hour, for days. Iā€™d never been in hospital for… Continue Reading

Source: For The Billion | Martyn Sibley